A Longing

Have you ever felt like something was missing? Not something physical or outside of you but something deep within your heart and soul.
Have you ever truly missed someone? Someone that you never had the chance to love. So much so that it created a craving for something you could not explain.
Have you ever cried and screamed for something but couldn’t find the words to describe what that something is? The pain of missing that something creating a void in your mind that can’t be put in to words.
Do you crawl through life searching year after year for what is that you’re missing? Using anything that you can find to fill the void. Doing everything you can to keep it filled.
I cannot seem to find what it is that I am missing. I do not know why I have such a deep craving for whatever it is that I am missing. I do not know if I will ever figure it out. However, I surely will not give up looking for it.

I want to kill myself but I want to live. Right now I’m listening to Rascal Flatt’s “Why” and I don’t know what to choose. I know I don’t want to cause my family pain. I hate this. I don’t want to be the cause of their pain but I can’t take this unhappiness. A decade of sadness will kill anyone. Is life worth the fight? I want to kill myself. I don’t want to keep dealing with this pain. I love my family I do but I don’t want to keep dealing with this pain. I don’t want to keep hurting. I’m so tired of being hurt. I’m so tired of crying. I think that I’m really only here for my brothers. God help me please. I want to be here for my brothers but the pain is so much. Its too much. I feel so lonely. What do I do? He left. He doesn’t want to be with me anymore. He doesn’t love me anymore. Who would even want to love me? I’m horrible. Why am I still here? I’m so worthless. Why am I still here? I have to be strong for my brothers. I have to but the pain. God please help me. Is life worth the fight? Is it? I’m so tired of all this. I love my family but what am I supposed to do? I’m an ugly fay failure. I hope that there is a God.

The Rambling Death Talk

The Rambling Death Talk

Written January 15, 2016

I do not think that I am going to make it to see 25. I am not sure if I truly want to. My heart is beating so fast, there’s a pain on my right kidney, and I’m still eating carbs. I actually made a list of what I’m spending my refund on and nothing on that list was for me. My partner is happiest with everyone else. Sometimes I would rather die but I don’t want to leave my brothers. If I were a selfish person then I would have killed myself a very long time ago. I stay for my brothers. I know how much they would hurt if I died. Even knowing how much pain it would cause them, sometimes I truly contemplate leaving. I’m not sure of what’s on the other side. I’m killing myself slowly with this disease. I know what I have to do and what I should do to keep myself healthy but I don’t do it. I choose not to do it. The other day my chest was hurting and my heart was beating so fast, I thought that was it. I thought my life might actually be coming to an end. Then he came home from work with a cupcake of all things. And I started crying. I wish he treated me the way that my ex treated me when we first started going out. He was the sweetest guy that I have ever dated. So loving. Never made me feel like I wasn’t a priority. I don’t wish that I was still with him though. I just wish that my current partner would treat me that way. I held so much passion for my ex. I loved making out with him. If my current partner was as sensual as my ex was, I would never want to leave him. I need a support group or something. I think that would help me be happier in the time I have remaining on this earth. However long that may be.

I’ve been an uncontrolled type 1 diabetic for 9 years now. It’s taking a toll on my body. I know what I’m supposed to do. I know what I should do. But why don’t I do it? It’s because part of me clearly does not want to be alive. That part of me has been with me longer than I’ve had diabetes. I need support. I know that I do but where do I find it? The part of me that wants to live tries hard to convert the other part of me. So far it has worked. I’m still alive. My dad’s birthday is next Monday. I wish that I knew him. It fucking sucks that I didn’t even get to know him. It’s not fair. It’s just not fair. My baby brother asked to go to his grave with me. I said sure. I wonder why he wants to go with me. I wonder if he really knows why he wants to go with me. I truly do not think that I will make it to see 25. That truly saddens me.

Tomorrow my cousins and i are getting together at main event. I am anxious about it. I always feel like no one really cares if I am there or not. I’m very easily replaced by anything or anyone. No one really wants me around. Makes me want to just kill myself. Why shouldn’t I? It’s not like anyone would give a shit.

A Hopeless Ramble

A Hopeless Ramble

This was written January 10, 2016.

I want to live but I don’t want to be alone. I talked to an ex the other day and he took me to the hospital. BS was 545. My partner was worried. He cares but he doesn’t want to be with me. I’m not having sex with him because I don’t want to. Sometimes I feel like I should’ve given my ex another chance. Sometimes I feel like I should’ve left the state all together. My partner will not change so I must work hard to pay off things and save money so that I can leave him. Sometimes I don’t see the point in living. Not even for my brothers. I didn’t sleep in bed with my boyfriend last night. He didn’t care which shouldn’t surprise me. He doesn’t love me. I don’t really understand why he’s still in the apartment. I feel so utterly alone most of the time. I wish that I had close friends that I can open up to. I should be able to open up to my partner but I don’t trust him. Not anymore. I wish I were happy. I wish I were skinny. I wish I were pretty. I wish. I wish. I wish. I’m filled with an unusual sorrow right now. I’m not sure if I want to live anymore. I need a support system. Where do I find a support system? I’d like to have a shoulder to cry on.

Another Case of the Ramblings

Another Case of the Ramblings

This was written December 18, 2015.

 

I’m so happy that my brother is coming home for the holidays. He will only be home for ten days and then he will be in San Antonio for 4 months. I’m so happy that he willingly talked to mama when he called a few days ago. I love them so much. It saddens me because I still want to leave. I have only eaten once today and twice yesterday. The hopelessness is creeping in very loudly this time. I am not sure if I will make it through this winter. As I wept in my closet after fighting with my partner I seriously contemplated it. My partner is with his friends as always. He does not love me and a part of me does not understand why he is still here. It’s clear that he doesn’t love me. Everyone else gets all of his attention. Even with my body trying to kill itself for me, I still get the short end of the stick. The pain it causes me makes my chest tighten and gives me nausea. I wish things were different between us but I already know that you can’t make someone love you. It makes me so sad. I told the doctor that I won’t get a transplant and that I don’t want to be on dialysis. Maybe I will change my mind but as of right now I hate myself. I’ve always hated myself.

The Ramblings of a Depressed T1D

The Ramblings of a Depressed T1D
It is so easy to pretend to be okay. SO EASY. I have so many different problems. Emotional and physical. Depression, anxiety, heart problems, kidney damage. Oh and money. Can’t forget money. I’ve wanted to leave this place since I was 10. The only reason that I am still here is because of my brothers. I love them. I want to see them make something of their lives and I am not sure of what happens when you die. I could never leave them in such a selfish and permanent way. It would be selfish of me to leave in such a way. I would be doing it to end my own personal suffering. There is so much pain, anger, and sadness inside of me that it is now becoming easier and easier for me to visualize my own funeral. I assume that it would be in a church. Probably the one that my Grandma’s was in. I know that there will be people there, including those that I stopped talking to or that stopped talking to me, giving me flowers. I feel very sad when I think about the pain it would cause my brothers and my mama to see me laying in a casket. They keep me tethered to this plane of existence. I’m not sure of what I would do if I lost them. I try not to think about it.
I don’t love myself. I’m not sure if I ever have. I hate myself inside and out. Definitely out. I’ve always wished I was pretty. And of course skinny. These are things every female wishes. Even the pretty ones. I am killing myself slowly by not taking my insulin. I do this because I know that once the ketones get high enough in me then the disgusting fat will melt off. Often I wonder if this life is even worth living. Is it even worth all this pain and struggle. I wish that I had someone to go to. Someone who’d be willing to listen to me without interrupting me with their problems and opinions. Someone to love me unconditionally. I love my brothers but I’m not sure if I will make it to see 25.