Crying in a corner of my living room I begin asking myself, ” Who’s gonna care?” Almost chanted the phrase like a mantra. Who’s going to care if I kill myself right now? No one would notice until my roommate moves in. No one visits me so all I really need to do is draw a hot bath and take 50 units of insulin. Easy.
For the past few days I’ve been thinking about death. I mean really thinking about it. I’ve been weighing the pros and cons. The biggest pro is that I won’t have to deal with anymore of this shit anymore. I won’t be alone anymore. I won’t be hurt physically and emotionally anymore. There won’t be anyone looking up to me or coming to me with their ridiculous problems. I won’t have to cry anymore. I won’t have to pretend everyday. I can escape all this pain and go to the empty void of nothingness. But I won’t get to see my brothers become men. I won’t get to see them anymore and they are, honestly, all that makes me happy. Is killing myself worth leaving them? To be completely honest, I’m starting to realize that it will be.
I just finished binge watching Parks and Rec and I haven’t expressed my feelings in quite a while. I figured now is as good a time as any.
My life is ridiculous and, yes, I may be overthinking some things. My ex of almost 4 years dumped me on my birthday. Of course, it freaking sucked because we lived together. He did it by telling me that he didn’t love me at around 7 in the morning on my birthday. Then, later that day, he had the absolute audacity to ask me for $150. As if he didn’t just break my heart. But he hurt me so much, intentionally and unintentionally, that he probably didn’t care.
I moved out a couple weeks later and I was doing good. I was doing great actually. I had lost 10 lbs, I was eating way better, I was exercising daily, and I was taking my insulin regularly. I had no really negative, depressed thoughts. I wasn’t crying all the time, stressed out, or thinking about ending my life. Things were good.
Then we got word that a storm was headed our way. Unfortunately, it was much worse than anyone thought it would be. The day it was supposed to make landfall, he sent me a message on FB and called me through FB. I now wish that I had never answered, but I missed him. We lived together for three years. He was, literally, the only person that I really opened up to about anything. As my therapist friend said, he was my normal. As soon as he called, I answered. He wanted me to come stay with him through the storm so that he knew I was safe. I knew that he missed having me around to tell him that I loved him. Even though he never loved me, he wanted me around because he knew that he could use me. He knew that I would let him. And I did. Like the absolute moron that I am, I let him use me.
We had sex a few times that month but no more. During the time from the storm up until a couple of weeks ago, I felt like shit. I was down on myself again. I gained 15 lbs and hated life again. He was still the same but I was so desperate, so scared to be alone. Scared because I thought that I would be alone forever, so I took whatever he would give to me, which was only sex and internet to play games, just so i wouldn’t be alone. A little over three weeks I had that unfortunate thought again. I thought about ending it. I wondered what the point of any of this was. And I abruptly ended those thoughts right then and there. I couldn’t and I wouldn’t go down that road again. So the last time I hung out with him, I had no physical contact with him. I just played some games with him, ate, watched a little wrestling, and went home.
Now I only talk to him through text. Its hard not to call him when something happens because, for so long, he was the only person that I talked to. But I’m focused on myself, again, and its going to remain that way.
Have you ever felt like something was missing? Not something physical or outside of you but something deep within your heart and soul.
Have you ever truly missed someone? Someone that you never had the chance to love. So much so that it created a craving for something you could not explain.
Have you ever cried and screamed for something but couldn’t find the words to describe what that something is? The pain of missing that something creating a void in your mind that can’t be put in to words.
Do you crawl through life searching year after year for what is that you’re missing? Using anything that you can find to fill the void. Doing everything you can to keep it filled.
I cannot seem to find what it is that I am missing. I do not know why I have such a deep craving for whatever it is that I am missing. I do not know if I will ever figure it out. However, I surely will not give up looking for it.
I want to kill myself but I want to live. Right now I’m listening to Rascal Flatt’s “Why” and I don’t know what to choose. I know I don’t want to cause my family pain. I hate this. I don’t want to be the cause of their pain but I can’t take this unhappiness. A decade of sadness will kill anyone. Is life worth the fight? I want to kill myself. I don’t want to keep dealing with this pain. I love my family I do but I don’t want to keep dealing with this pain. I don’t want to keep hurting. I’m so tired of being hurt. I’m so tired of crying. I think that I’m really only here for my brothers. God help me please. I want to be here for my brothers but the pain is so much. Its too much. I feel so lonely. What do I do? He left. He doesn’t want to be with me anymore. He doesn’t love me anymore. Who would even want to love me? I’m horrible. Why am I still here? I’m so worthless. Why am I still here? I have to be strong for my brothers. I have to but the pain. God please help me. Is life worth the fight? Is it? I’m so tired of all this. I love my family but what am I supposed to do? I’m an ugly fay failure. I hope that there is a God.
Written January 15, 2016
I do not think that I am going to make it to see 25. I am not sure if I truly want to. My heart is beating so fast, there’s a pain on my right kidney, and I’m still eating carbs. I actually made a list of what I’m spending my refund on and nothing on that list was for me. My partner is happiest with everyone else. Sometimes I would rather die but I don’t want to leave my brothers. If I were a selfish person then I would have killed myself a very long time ago. I stay for my brothers. I know how much they would hurt if I died. Even knowing how much pain it would cause them, sometimes I truly contemplate leaving. I’m not sure of what’s on the other side. I’m killing myself slowly with this disease. I know what I have to do and what I should do to keep myself healthy but I don’t do it. I choose not to do it. The other day my chest was hurting and my heart was beating so fast, I thought that was it. I thought my life might actually be coming to an end. Then he came home from work with a cupcake of all things. And I started crying. I wish he treated me the way that my ex treated me when we first started going out. He was the sweetest guy that I have ever dated. So loving. Never made me feel like I wasn’t a priority. I don’t wish that I was still with him though. I just wish that my current partner would treat me that way. I held so much passion for my ex. I loved making out with him. If my current partner was as sensual as my ex was, I would never want to leave him. I need a support group or something. I think that would help me be happier in the time I have remaining on this earth. However long that may be.
I’ve been an uncontrolled type 1 diabetic for 9 years now. It’s taking a toll on my body. I know what I’m supposed to do. I know what I should do. But why don’t I do it? It’s because part of me clearly does not want to be alive. That part of me has been with me longer than I’ve had diabetes. I need support. I know that I do but where do I find it? The part of me that wants to live tries hard to convert the other part of me. So far it has worked. I’m still alive. My dad’s birthday is next Monday. I wish that I knew him. It fucking sucks that I didn’t even get to know him. It’s not fair. It’s just not fair. My baby brother asked to go to his grave with me. I said sure. I wonder why he wants to go with me. I wonder if he really knows why he wants to go with me. I truly do not think that I will make it to see 25. That truly saddens me.
Tomorrow my cousins and i are getting together at main event. I am anxious about it. I always feel like no one really cares if I am there or not. I’m very easily replaced by anything or anyone. No one really wants me around. Makes me want to just kill myself. Why shouldn’t I? It’s not like anyone would give a shit.
This was written January 10, 2016.
I want to live but I don’t want to be alone. I talked to an ex the other day and he took me to the hospital. BS was 545. My partner was worried. He cares but he doesn’t want to be with me. I’m not having sex with him because I don’t want to. Sometimes I feel like I should’ve given my ex another chance. Sometimes I feel like I should’ve left the state all together. My partner will not change so I must work hard to pay off things and save money so that I can leave him. Sometimes I don’t see the point in living. Not even for my brothers. I didn’t sleep in bed with my boyfriend last night. He didn’t care which shouldn’t surprise me. He doesn’t love me. I don’t really understand why he’s still in the apartment. I feel so utterly alone most of the time. I wish that I had close friends that I can open up to. I should be able to open up to my partner but I don’t trust him. Not anymore. I wish I were happy. I wish I were skinny. I wish I were pretty. I wish. I wish. I wish. I’m filled with an unusual sorrow right now. I’m not sure if I want to live anymore. I need a support system. Where do I find a support system? I’d like to have a shoulder to cry on.