This was written January 10, 2016.
I want to live but I don’t want to be alone. I talked to an ex the other day and he took me to the hospital. BS was 545. My partner was worried. He cares but he doesn’t want to be with me. I’m not having sex with him because I don’t want to. Sometimes I feel like I should’ve given my ex another chance. Sometimes I feel like I should’ve left the state all together. My partner will not change so I must work hard to pay off things and save money so that I can leave him. Sometimes I don’t see the point in living. Not even for my brothers. I didn’t sleep in bed with my boyfriend last night. He didn’t care which shouldn’t surprise me. He doesn’t love me. I don’t really understand why he’s still in the apartment. I feel so utterly alone most of the time. I wish that I had close friends that I can open up to. I should be able to open up to my partner but I don’t trust him. Not anymore. I wish I were happy. I wish I were skinny. I wish I were pretty. I wish. I wish. I wish. I’m filled with an unusual sorrow right now. I’m not sure if I want to live anymore. I need a support system. Where do I find a support system? I’d like to have a shoulder to cry on.