This was written December 18, 2015.


I’m so happy that my brother is coming home for the holidays. He will only be home for ten days and then he will be in San Antonio for 4 months. I’m so happy that he willingly talked to mama when he called a few days ago. I love them so much. It saddens me because I still want to leave. I have only eaten once today and twice yesterday. The hopelessness is creeping in very loudly this time. I am not sure if I will make it through this winter. As I wept in my closet after fighting with my partner I seriously contemplated it. My partner is with his friends as always. He does not love me and a part of me does not understand why he is still here. It’s clear that he doesn’t love me. Everyone else gets all of his attention. Even with my body trying to kill itself for me, I still get the short end of the stick. The pain it causes me makes my chest tighten and gives me nausea. I wish things were different between us but I already know that you can’t make someone love you. It makes me so sad. I told the doctor that I won’t get a transplant and that I don’t want to be on dialysis. Maybe I will change my mind but as of right now I hate myself. I’ve always hated myself.


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