This was written January 10, 2016.
I want to live but I don’t want to be alone. I talked to an ex the other day and he took me to the hospital. BS was 545. My partner was worried. He cares but he doesn’t want to be with me. I’m not having sex with him because I don’t want to. Sometimes I feel like I should’ve given my ex another chance. Sometimes I feel like I should’ve left the state all together. My partner will not change so I must work hard to pay off things and save money so that I can leave him. Sometimes I don’t see the point in living. Not even for my brothers. I didn’t sleep in bed with my boyfriend last night. He didn’t care which shouldn’t surprise me. He doesn’t love me. I don’t really understand why he’s still in the apartment. I feel so utterly alone most of the time. I wish that I had close friends that I can open up to. I should be able to open up to my partner but I don’t trust him. Not anymore. I wish I were happy. I wish I were skinny. I wish I were pretty. I wish. I wish. I wish. I’m filled with an unusual sorrow right now. I’m not sure if I want to live anymore. I need a support system. Where do I find a support system? I’d like to have a shoulder to cry on.
This was written December 18, 2015.
I’m so happy that my brother is coming home for the holidays. He will only be home for ten days and then he will be in San Antonio for 4 months. I’m so happy that he willingly talked to mama when he called a few days ago. I love them so much. It saddens me because I still want to leave. I have only eaten once today and twice yesterday. The hopelessness is creeping in very loudly this time. I am not sure if I will make it through this winter. As I wept in my closet after fighting with my partner I seriously contemplated it. My partner is with his friends as always. He does not love me and a part of me does not understand why he is still here. It’s clear that he doesn’t love me. Everyone else gets all of his attention. Even with my body trying to kill itself for me, I still get the short end of the stick. The pain it causes me makes my chest tighten and gives me nausea. I wish things were different between us but I already know that you can’t make someone love you. It makes me so sad. I told the doctor that I won’t get a transplant and that I don’t want to be on dialysis. Maybe I will change my mind but as of right now I hate myself. I’ve always hated myself.