It is so easy to pretend to be okay. SO EASY. I have so many different problems. Emotional and physical. Depression, anxiety, heart problems, kidney damage. Oh and money. Can’t forget money. I’ve wanted to leave this place since I was 10. The only reason that I am still here is because of my brothers. I love them. I want to see them make something of their lives and I am not sure of what happens when you die. I could never leave them in such a selfish and permanent way. It would be selfish of me to leave in such a way. I would be doing it to end my own personal suffering. There is so much pain, anger, and sadness inside of me that it is now becoming easier and easier for me to visualize my own funeral. I assume that it would be in a church. Probably the one that my Grandma’s was in. I know that there will be people there, including those that I stopped talking to or that stopped talking to me, giving me flowers. I feel very sad when I think about the pain it would cause my brothers and my mama to see me laying in a casket. They keep me tethered to this plane of existence. I’m not sure of what I would do if I lost them. I try not to think about it.
I don’t love myself. I’m not sure if I ever have. I hate myself inside and out. Definitely out. I’ve always wished I was pretty. And of course skinny. These are things every female wishes. Even the pretty ones. I am killing myself slowly by not taking my insulin. I do this because I know that once the ketones get high enough in me then the disgusting fat will melt off. Often I wonder if this life is even worth living. Is it even worth all this pain and struggle. I wish that I had someone to go to. Someone who’d be willing to listen to me without interrupting me with their problems and opinions. Someone to love me unconditionally. I love my brothers but I’m not sure if I will make it to see 25.
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